Quarantine is starting to feel like it’s never going to end, like I’m locked in my own gilded cage at home. Things could definitely be worse; I’m thankful for my own health and that of my family, but being cooped up for this many days is starting to grate on everyone’s nerves. It seems odd because I love to be at home, to have absolutely nowhere to go is the perfect plan for my day. But after over a month of nowhere to go, it’s getting more difficult. It’s getting harder to pretend that I’m fine and everyone else is fine and that everything is ok. I’m not fine. Everything is not ok. I haven’t been able to go to confession since the beginning of March and I feel spiritually dirty. I feel like I need a bath, I’m past the point of being the only one that can smell myself or playing off the smell, everyone around me can sniff out my stench immediately.
This morning I woke up to our daughter having cut off all of her beautiful hair. I was so frustrated and upset. I know it’s just hair and for myself that is always my motto, but adding that frustration on to everything else made me lose it. See? Spiritually dirty. I’ve lost my temper and been frustrated and angry with everyone around me lately; I can’t hide my dirt. I was so ashamed of myself for getting upset with her. She’s four and logically I know that she made a mistake that she didn’t understand. It says so much more about me that I was angry with her. I asked myself a simple question: do you want her to be raised the same way that you were? I knew that my response at the time was what I would have received if I had done the same thing, anger and disproportionate frustration. I immediately knew that was not how I would ever want my child to feel or be raised. I made a vow to myself when my oldest child was born that my babies would never know a day that they didn’t feel loved. I, in my spiritual pigsty, had failed.
I want my children to know that even when they make mistakes they will be met primarily with love, likely with a stern conversation, but never with condemnation of themselves only actions and decisions. I know that is the heart of God the Father as well. Even in my own pigpen of sin, when I come to Him and show Him my dirt He picks me up and gently washes me clean. The Father does not turn us away or rush to anger and condemnation. He meets us with love, as the Gospel of Luke tells us “his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him” (Luke 15:20). When we turn from our mistakes and ego and return to the Father, He is filled with compassion, with love for us. Even in our shame, He runs to us. We only have to turn and take that first step and the Father will run to us the rest of the way, putting His protective arms around us. One of the most beautiful interpretations of the parable of the prodigal son that I’ve heard is that the town would have condemned the son and stoned him, so the father steps in and covers the son, likely receiving some of the blows. God wants to do that for you and me, even when we have dirtied ourselves and gone too far, when we have fallen so far that we think we are irredeemable, the Father runs to us. That is the beauty of Divine Mercy. Divine Mercy knows you in your innermost depths and weaknesses. Divine Mercy smells your spiritual body odor. And yet, Divine Mercy embraces you and cares for you with the love of a parent.
In these times, it’s easy to let our own dirt spill over onto others, especially those closest to us in our lives. Let us pray for the Father to show us His love, that we may share it with those around us. Let us pray for spiritual cleansing, God is not limited by anything, He is willing and able to save us. Let us pray for Divine Mercy, that we may always show the mercy of God that was first shown to us.
The Bapticatholic 